Toddler Junkie Immediately Hooked On Looking At Trains After First Exhilarating High

I didn’t write the headline. It appeared in an internet newspaper called, “The Onion.” In Google The Onion is described as, “A farcical newspaper featuring world, national and community news.” Now you know that here’s the piece that I stole lock, stock and barrel from The Onion with the above title:

Little boy waving at train

Little boy waving at train

HARRISBURG, PA—After experiencing the intoxicating, extreme high of watching a 56-car freight train pass before his eyes last week, 3-year-old junkie Logan Gunter reportedly became instantly hooked on looking at rail transport, demanding to be taken to railroad crossings at all times of day in an effort to achieve the same exhilarating euphoria. “I’ve got to look at a train right now. Just a quick look. I need it—I need it real bad,” said the wild-eyed little addict, who family members confirmed has become consumed by intense, around-the-clock cravings to view big locomotives either chugging along railways or sitting motionless at stations, and who often experiences severe, violent fits when he goes without seeing a train for more than a few hours. “Just give me a little train, that’s it. Two cars, I’ll take two cars. Or just one caboose, okay? Come on, you’ve gotta help me out here.” At press time, the shivering toddler junkie was trying to wean himself off of trains by looking at a big red tractor but admitted to reporters that “it’s not as good as a real fix.

 

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